It was completely quiet as I laid in loud silence in a dark room. He had just walked out leaving a whiff of his cologne; I knew with all certainty he was going to be with her. Was it my fault he went to be with her? I felt like a penny waiting for change…
How did things get this bad between us? Is it my fault? How can I fix this? What am I doing wrong? I had a lot of questions with no answers. Now, without trying to be boastful, I got credentials you wouldn’t find on my resume😉 … but I have been told I’m great at what I do 🤣 🤣. With that said, I began to wonder why there would be a need for infidelity. I was determined to persevere and look for ways to repair this relationship.
This relationship was inevitably heading to doom as there was a rift between us. I had employed all levels of civility in fixing the problem, all without luck. I still held onto the absurd idea of waiting for change. Someday he will realize how much I love him and change, someday he will realize what he’s doing ain’t right, but that someday never came!
Reasons why you should not try to change anyone:
- You cant change people: It is simple, you cant change a goat to a dog. I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine, who happens to be a pastor too. I had shared my rocky relationship details and he elected to pray with me for a change. My friend would call me up periodically to ask if things were getting better and it wasn’t. At a point, he advised that we changed our prayer focus. I was sort of shocked as I was yet to get results for making my partner a more responsible person. My friend explained to me that I could pray all I want, but people only change when they want to. That conversation resonates with me and I realized people will not change a minute sooner because you are yelling or setting ultimatums.
- Focus on improving your own life: It’s good to pray for your partner, but wouldn’t it be great to pray that your own life purposes be fulfilled? I spent valuable time praying for an unwilling person to change, whereas I could be praying for “the windows of heaven to open and shower its blessing upon my life.” Rather than flogging a dead horse, channel your energy into becoming a better person because everybody could use some change.
- It is absolutely frustrating: The energy you put into trying to change someone is frustrating and exhaustive. Trying to do something repeatedly that doesn’t meet your desired goal could lead to frustration, as it seems nothing is working out. If your frustrations are left unresolved, the pain you experienced from your initial feelings will intensify and, if left unchecked, could lead to depression. Simply put, unresolved frustration means that what you are doing to satisfy your needs is not working and that you should try doing something else.
I’m not insinuating that you should give up. By all means, try all you would. It didn’t work for me but it could work for you…good luck with that though! I propose the following rule of thumb:
- Treat people how you want to be treated: As a child, I was taught that to make the world better, you must treat people exactly how you would like to be treated. I was told even if someone is mean to you, keep showing love. Because love overcomes all bad behaviors (I don’t know about that anymore). Good begets good, so be good, truthful and loyal to your partner.
- Change yourself: We all have things we could change about ourselves. Rather than trying to change another person focus on yourself. It could be how to further your career, going back to school, exercising or starting a new business.
- Diplomacy: Discussing all issues in a timely and respectable manner could help nib the problem at its bud. While waiting for a change in a relationship, you should be mindful not to come off as imposing or nagging.
Always remember that if you ever choose to give up on anyone, it doesn’t mean you are a failure. A lot of times we tend to measure our success in life by relationships and marriages, so we hang on trying to get things right. Changing your perspective will help guide how happy or disappointed you get in a relationship.