They say you will kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince charming right? Well, I kissed my fair share of frogs and I got my prince now. We must learn from every relationship, broken or ongoing. Keep reading to find out my experience with lies in a relationship and tips I have put together based on my previous experiences.
We met at my job (I used to work in a bank) and he invited me out for a date. We met up for drinks after a couple of days. I felt it was nothing serious so I didn’t overthink it. We went out for a few more dates and he had to travel back to where he lived. He was one of the “Americana” like we refer to them in Nigeria (Nigerians who live in America).
We were in communication for a long time and gradually emotions were developed. We usually talked about everything and nothing. I asked basic questions and I was comfortable with answers I got because I was telling the truth and I didn’t see any reason to doubt his story (I guess I wasn’t in tune with my gut feeling). I am very smart so you would think I wouldn’t fall for lies but oh well! Don’t be hasty to draw conclusions because ‘ you never know exactly what you will do till you are in that position’
The first shocker was that he had been married THREE times before. Dear Lawd!!! Why would anyone ever hide a thing like that? And when the truth was out in the open, he claimed he didn’t want to lose me. You would think a wise man will not lie to someone he really cared about right? Nah not in this case.
He told me he was a pilot in America……I am a sapiosexual (my forever Bae is super smart…oh boy I’m drooling😉) so I believed I had bagged a good deal. He gave the impression he was all set and living the life. I was comfortable in my own right and felt we could compliment each other. I mean who doesn’t like growth and progress in life right?
It was time to visit America for the first time and oh my gosh! He gave me all sorts of stories as to what happened to his range rover, big career, big house et all. Now don’t get me wrong, I respect every job but why the deception? Just maybe I would never have dated him if I knew the truth as I wanted someone who could meet my intellectual capacity (that is my choice to make right?).
Did I break up because of the lies told? Nope! I chose to stay despite that… should I have? Maybe? Yes? I was unhappy with the situation but breaking up wasn’t an option at that time because I fell a victim of my society (not anymore because that dog don’t hunt…dang!). I grew up in Nigeria where we are made to believe that you are a failure if you do not get married at a certain age or have a broken relationship/marriage. There exists a school of thought that the onus lies solely on the woman to make or mar a home (very untrue). A lot of people are unhappy in their marriages but would not consider seeking happiness just because of what people will say.
Tips for dating:
- Ask questions: people struggle with when is the right time to ask questions, for fear of not wanting to seem weird or forward. It is never too early to ask questions, the sooner you know more about the other person, the sooner you can make a decision to move on or not. Ask specific questions. You need to identify your deal breakers. Don’t hesitate to say exactly what you desire in a relationship. Be honest in your answers and expect/hope for the same too. Endeavor not to get carried away by your new love interest, love is better experienced when it meets your needs and you share same goals. it is awesome to talk to a love interest and make jokes but there is time for everything and when the relationship is getting serious, ask fundamental questions.
- Watch out for a trend: I was supposedly the fourth wife. What miracle was I suppose to perform to keep a serial husband? It was already headed to destruction from the get-go. You would only lose yourself in the process of trying to outshine previous women all in the bid to keep a man who isn’t willing to be kept.
- Sharing the same values and ambitions: Do I need to say more? If you have a drive in life and end up with someone who is laggard, your frustrations will know no bounds.
- Visitation: It is imperative to visit your intending spouse before marriage ( most especially Americana/Abroadians.) It enables you to know more about the person’s way of life and determine if you can fit in.
- Do not ignore warning signs: I was told of how unfairly a past girlfriend was treated by my new love interest. He justified his actions by saying she was a cheat. At that time, I didn’t take this to heart because like the saying goes ‘someone loses when someone gains’ but I paid the price later on. There are always hints of what lies ahead even if they are not glaring, don’t ignore them.
- Do a background check: Marrying into a bad family is a horrible experience. Try to connect with people who know the family background and seek answers. the worst are those who smile at you without showing their contempt or disapproval. you need to be careful to talk to neutral people.
There are no hard or fast rules to getting married. What didn’t work for me lmay work for you. Kindly share your thoughts and experiences. Feel free to send in your experiences and we will encourage each other.