They say you will kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince charming right? Well, I kissed my fair share of frogs and I got my prince now. We must learn from every relationship, broken or ongoing. Keep reading to find out my experience with lies in a relationship and tips I have put together based on my previous experiences.
We met at my job (I used to work in a bank) and he invited me out for a date. We met up for drinks after a couple of days. I felt it was nothing serious so I didn’t overthink it. We went out for a few more dates and he had to travel back to where he lived. He was one of the “Americana” like we refer to them in Nigeria (Nigerians who live in America).
We were in communication for a long time and gradually emotions were developed. We usually talked about everything and nothing. I asked basic questions and I was comfortable with answers I got because I was telling the truth and I didn’t see any reason to doubt his story (I guess I wasn’t in tune with my gut feeling). I am very smart so you would think I wouldn’t fall for lies but oh well! Don’t be hasty to draw conclusions because ‘ you never know exactly what you will do till you are in that position’
The first shocker was that he had been married THREE times before. Dear Lawd!!! Why would anyone ever hide a thing like that? And when the truth was out in the open, he claimed he didn’t want to lose me. You would think a wise man will not lie to someone he really cared about right? Nah not in this case.
He told me he was a pilot in America……I am a sapiosexual (my forever Bae is super smart…oh boy I’m drooling😉) so I believed I had bagged a good deal. He gave the impression he was all set and living the life. I was comfortable in my own right and felt we could compliment each other. I mean who doesn’t like growth and progress in life right?
It was time to visit America for the first time and oh my gosh! He gave me all sorts of stories as to what happened to his range rover, big career, big house et all. Now don’t get me wrong, I respect every job but why the deception? Just maybe I would never have dated him if I knew the truth as I wanted someone who could meet my intellectual capacity (that is my choice to make right?).
Did I break up because of the lies told? Nope! I chose to stay despite that… should I have? Maybe? Yes? I was unhappy with the situation but breaking up wasn’t an option at that time because I fell a victim of my society (not anymore because that dog don’t hunt…dang!). I grew up in Nigeria where we are made to believe that you are a failure if you do not get married at a certain age or have a broken relationship/marriage. There exists a school of thought that the onus lies solely on the woman to make or mar a home (very untrue). A lot of people are unhappy in their marriages but would not consider seeking happiness just because of what people will say.
Tips for dating:
- Ask questions: people struggle with when is the right time to ask questions, for fear of not wanting to seem weird or forward. It is never too early to ask questions, the sooner you know more about the other person, the sooner you can make a decision to move on or not. Ask specific questions. You need to identify your deal breakers. Don’t hesitate to say exactly what you desire in a relationship. Be honest in your answers and expect/hope for the same too. Endeavor not to get carried away by your new love interest, love is better experienced when it meets your needs and you share same goals. it is awesome to talk to a love interest and make jokes but there is time for everything and when the relationship is getting serious, ask fundamental questions.
- Watch out for a trend: I was supposedly the fourth wife. What miracle was I suppose to perform to keep a serial husband? It was already headed to destruction from the get-go. You would only lose yourself in the process of trying to outshine previous women all in the bid to keep a man who isn’t willing to be kept.
- Sharing the same values and ambitions: Do I need to say more? If you have a drive in life and end up with someone who is laggard, your frustrations will know no bounds.
- Visitation: It is imperative to visit your intending spouse before marriage ( most especially Americana/Abroadians.) It enables you to know more about the person’s way of life and determine if you can fit in.
- Do not ignore warning signs: I was told of how unfairly a past girlfriend was treated by my new love interest. He justified his actions by saying she was a cheat. At that time, I didn’t take this to heart because like the saying goes ‘someone loses when someone gains’ but I paid the price later on. There are always hints of what lies ahead even if they are not glaring, don’t ignore them.
- Do a background check: Marrying into a bad family is a horrible experience. Try to connect with people who know the family background and seek answers. the worst are those who smile at you without showing their contempt or disapproval. you need to be careful to talk to neutral people.
There are no hard or fast rules to getting married. What didn’t work for me lmay work for you. Kindly share your thoughts and experiences. Feel free to send in your experiences and we will encourage each other.
15 thoughts on “LIES PEOPLE TELL …”
Oganya07/16/2018 at 04:43
When you are a person that is truthful, you never see the reason why the other party will lie to you so you tend to believe anything said…
#Lessonslearnt #oncebittentwiceshy #foolmeonceshameonyoufoolmetwiceshameonme
Abigail07/16/2018 at 09:58
I particularly like tip No 4: Do not ignore warning signs. It is true that when in love, our thinking/actions are often times 80% from our hearts and 20% from our heads. We will see clearly if we try to shove a lil’ of our emotions aside and allow our heads get more involved… God help us.
Sam07/17/2018 at 14:21
Abigail you are very correct! I have learned that it’s better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage… not because it is bad to be a divorcee (i am boldly one) but because it saves precious time to carry on with life.
Oganya07/16/2018 at 17:12
Right, Abigail!!! We ignore warning signs staring us in face… even when the signs slaps us in the face.
I ignored them warning signs and I’m paying a big price for it…
Sam07/17/2018 at 14:18
Often times we make excuses and lie to ourselves that would change… narcissism is innate and they don’t change
Naomi07/28/2018 at 09:34
You are right. We lie to ourself that they will change. We hold to the lie and allow them to continue lying
Ekanem07/16/2018 at 23:45
We get to learn everyday and i have learnt a lot from this. Oh well….. I love this part …………’Don’t be hasty to draw conclusions because ‘ you never know exactly what you will do till you are in that position’
Sam07/17/2018 at 14:03
I try to focus on the lesson learned from every experience, we learn every day.
Kejie Owoekere07/19/2018 at 13:27
Can’t help wanting more.
Thank you so much Sam for sharing your life with us.
Sam07/19/2018 at 14:41
Oh stay in touch, there’s so much more to come!
Anonymous07/19/2018 at 13:42
I lost a very good friend of mine in a very bad marriage. Very nice and humble lady. The man deceived and lied about almost everything about him but she still stayed to make the marriage work. To cut the story short,she was the one providing for the house and will still get the beating of her life. Had a miscarriage as a result of his beating. She later lost her life in all this. I personally don’t believe marriage is a do or die affair. If is not working out come out of it and stay alive. I really thank GOD Esama that you alive to tell your story. You are a strong woman!! I also lost my beautiful cousin too to one stupid Americana at the age of 25. Until today the idiot has not visited to even see the daughter they had together. Some men can be wicked. I pray a lot of us will learn from your story.
Sam07/19/2018 at 14:56
So sad about your friend, may she rest in peace. I am convinced there are good men and good marriages but notwithstanding, a whole lot of people are suffering and won’t walk for a lot of reasons, maybe family pressures or societal. Some people still think divorce is an abomination in Nigeria. Someone actually said I could only leave my ex because I am in the US…really? Your cousin is better off doing her thing, She will find a deserving man to love and cherish her.
Mariah07/19/2018 at 21:53
To some people lying is a hobby, its very hard to tell the truth from the lies. This gets worse when one leaves in another country. They tend to put themselves i what seems to be a supposedly high class where they leave to attract the attention and to make you less suspicious “ for example its hard to suspect a pilot would be sleeping in a shelter somewhere” Humans are a wierd species, they tend to think exaggerated material makes a woman happy. Which may work for a few but many times when the truth comes out, nothing else holds. But hey…
I always ask God to show me these kinds of people before they approach me, as in, LORD make me invisible to them. Amen
Sam07/19/2018 at 22:10
You are correct Mariah… Americana think they are the best thing that happened to women in Africa. I will never fall victim ever again!
Naomi07/28/2018 at 09:47
Dearie you were not a victim of his deceit or lies because of material desire. Your net income pay was enough to take care of your needs. Like you rightly, we all desire progress and growth. Having risen to middle management class in the banking sector, one wouldn’t settle for less. He is just a candle in the wind.